Rant warning 10/10
So I’ve had an exceptionally bad day today.
I’ve been waiting for the results from my “Language Communication” exam (the course where we write essays) for the past week. Basically, we get an email with our results for the course, which are pretty much the same as the result from the exam. In this case, apparently, exactly the same. Now, before I go on I’ll give you some background. During this term we’ve written three essays on different topics. Then we get to sit an exam at 8 in the morning where we hand write 800 words on a topic we’ve been given some 4 days in advance. I could sit here making excuses for myself and say I was tired or something. But I won’t. I thought it went well. I felt prepared, I read it through, I was confident. Obviously I felt it wasn’t as good as the ones where we got to sit in the comfort of our own rooms, and work at what pace and what time of day we like, and then send it in, get some comments (mostly from our classmates as our teacher didn’t really seem to be all that passionate about it), make some corrections and the send it in again. But I thought it would be perhaps a 22-23/25 or something. Apparently, the teacher didn’t agree with me. And that’s fine. I really am fine about that. What bothers me is that this is all that counts. I have gotten a 23/25 and then two 25/25’s this term. That should get me a VG (A). But it doesn’t. Because, as my final essay apparently didn’t have the same standard, I get a G. Yes I passed, great (not sarcasm), but how is this fair? I’ve been working my arse off all term on these essays. And then on the last one I didn’t work as hard, and then that means I don’t get the grade I deserve. What I do during the year and in class should matter, just as much as the exam. In my case I don’t know what happened, but what if someone really has a reason for not doing as well on an exam as during the rest of the year? And sure, if the fail they can try again, but what about the ones, like me, who actually pass, but really should have done better, and when considering their general work, do deserve a higher grade? It gets me really upset. Because for once, I felt I was REALLY good at something. Not just good, but REALLY good. And now, that won’t show to anyone but the people who would read my actual essays, and who the fuck is going to want to do that? I just feel like it has been a complete waste of time. They should count for something, shouldn’t they?
And all this just adds to the feeling of “what the hell is this good for? What am I doing with my life?”. When you study a subject like this, people go “And what will that make you? What jobs does that get you?” (With honest interest, in a nice way). And I don’t have an answer. Because it doesn’t get you any jobs. I did it last term because it was fun. I didn’t know what to do, so I did this because I love the English language. But now, that isn’t enough anymore. It stopped being fun several months ago, and now it is just a constant source of pain, and stress that I desperately try to hide from. That makes me think it really isn’t worth it. I’ve felt that way for a long time. The problem is that I’m a stuborn bitch who will do things just because. So I’ll probably end up doing the C course. Because I want to prove something to myself. That I can do a C course? That I can push myself through the stress? I just don’t know. And what else is there to do? Go study something else? Work? Go back to living off Mom & Dad while haning around Open Mind all day? Yeah, it’s fun at times, but it’s not exactly “intellectual stimulation”. If someone could just point me in a direction, tell me what to do. But no one will, because that’s not how it works.
I’m sorry to anyone who reads this. It probably wasted 5 minutes of your life. Hope you’re not as completely fucking lost as I am. Maybe I should just finish the B course and run away to somewhere far away and do something totally different. That’s honestly what I feel like doing right now.
Ok, rant over. Sorry again.
Read it through and wow, that went from anger at my uni to soul searching without me even realizing it.
